love

In a second..one's life can change in a breath.

Words can dance a dance that keeps repeating. Going nowhere but spinning in their own confusion. Words can dance a song to distract you from the truth.

Everything that we do has an eventual outcome. Everything. A whisper can turn in to a touch, a touch can turn into creation, a creation can turn into a promise. A promise can be broken.

But love, love changes everyday. With love, you can't just stop. Love doesn't let you. Truly allowing yourself to love means with everything, with your soul, with your heart, with your skin, with you. Allowing one's self to love is a choice. Everyone has a moment when we know we could fall and lose ourselves into its beauty, we have a choice to let go or to pass it by. Love doesn't just happen, we allow it to happen.

I can say that I love.

Can you?

Kick ABS

Tonite..besides mindless blogging..I also took my first Kickboxing class since before my marathon training. I used to kickbox on the regular..but since I was seriously trying to be "READY" for the run, I had pushed kicking to the side. So tonite, I was all hell bent on kicking some ass.

Brother man had agreed to watch Son-Boi while I jetted off to LA.-Land in exchange for meatloaf and homemade tortillas. Exchange done and I was off.

Got there minus warmup and proceeded to jump right in to imaginary punching. To the left and to the right were Scottsdale women as far as the eye can see. I always feel slightly out of place amid the name-brand encrusted, makeup wearing, sweatless, women who seem to invade this particular gym. There I be, wearing my Target shorts, "Apache" cut off black tee, and ashy knees. Sucked up my insecurities and lost myself in the movement. Awww...it felt so good to have my body do something other than running...kinda like finding a CD that you used to love so, and putting it in and re-discovering songs that made you smile. I love that this particular room consists of mirrors flanking you on every side. I love to watch me kick ass. But, by the time I got in, the room was packed yo!!! I had to secure me a spot way in the back and settle for a small sliver of my brown face. Man, this ladee doesn't play. SHe had me sweating about 4 minutes in...punching, kicking, kicking and touching the ground and them jumping up and kicking again. But I loved it!! All around me the women were dropping like flies., taking breaks and doing half-hearted kicks and punches. Me, if imma work out, IM GONNA WORK OUT. I had my grimace on, my heart pounding, my legs quaking, my breath coming in gasps...but I worked it out yo. Then, to finish off 45 minutes of cardio, we did freaking 10 minutes of abs. Straight up..Im feeling them. But I do so love being sore..that owww when you move but it makes you laugh cause it hurts but it feels good all at the same time. Abs are the best part to be sore in, I personally believe.

I'll be back next Monday fo sho.

RUNNING:

Monday nite I ran 3 miles in 22:37.

Next Race: January 28th. New Years Road Race at SRPMIC.
Either the 8K or 2 miler.

Yes I know that im not supposed to race this soon after the marathon, hence the possible 2 miler. Plans yo.

Gadget whore

I'm totally jamming to "Buffalo Stance" by Neneh Cherry. She was so my hero in 9th grade.

I just realized that Im becoming somewhat of a gadget whore. You should see the interior of my ride. I have outlet plugs galore running amuck through the pieces of cookie, strewn papers, and Thomas the Train dvd covers. There is the Sirius radio receiver (the gift of Howard Stern that just keeps giving), the Dvd mini-player purchased for my spoiled Son by his spoiling Popppa, the mini Ipod receiver on which to charge and play my ipod while driving, and my Verizon V-celly car charger.

I love my new V cely, so so much.lol. I can text away with its kick ass keyboard, and take video and pix of my son-boi, as well as play Galaga and Tetris to my nerdy hearts content. I also have the kick ass tones of Outkast's "So Fresh So Clean", Audioslave's "I Am the Highway", Lisa LIsa and Cult Jam's "I Wonder If I Take You Home", Jay'z "99 Problems" as well as his "Big Pimpin."

All I do when I drive is jam to Howard 101 or 100 to hear play after hilarious play of his show. I honestly only wanted Sirius just to keep listening to his show, but the programming on the other stations is on point! Where else can I preset my 80's station, with the Hits, Backspin (Ol SKool Rap), Hair Bands, the Beat (Dance), Strobe (borderline Freestyle), the Pulse (90's and today), Hardcore, Alternative Nation, Hip-Hop Nation, and Prime Country?

My mini Ipod was bought with the thought that it would take over my hand held CD Player on my runs...a purchase that has paid over many many times. I love my mini..in its little silver case, that gets a bit stodgy with the amount of sweat it has had to bear on its pretty little click wheel. All my favorite jams fit ...and I can take my entire cd collection on its little silver head. "SIGH"

And now..D-man and I have purchased a new T.V. that I cannot keep from watching late into the nite while lil Man is asleep. Sex and the City has never looked so good.

We have also caved into finally purchasing a flat screen for out computer. Black and flat...sigh..perfection in a 19" screen.

I love that our hard word afforded us the luxery of this "things." Yes I could live without them, but I've lived with denying myself for so long..I want to indulge and luxuriate in our blessings. No worrries, we give as good as we get...

Whats life if not to appreciate the nice things once in a while. ...

9 mos. yo

I was watching this show on MTV...called "Here and Back." Its about this doot from O-Town who hit bottom and is now struggling to come back into the limelight...but he's not the important one. I was totally feeling his girlfriend who was like 9 mos. pregnant and who oh so brought back pregnant memories..or is that mammories..harhar.

Anywho..She was having this total breakdown cause she is so pregnant she just wants it to be over, and I'm like "I so feel you Ladee." She was going off on her man (aka. Ashley Parker Angel) that his life hadn't changed as much as her's had, he didnt' understand what she felt like, she couldn't do anything, and her body and life were so totally not hers anymore. All I could think of was "AMEN SISTA." And this whole time she is crying her pretty lil blue eyes out, and has this enormous stomach protruding from the top of her Juicy Couture track pants.

Aww, the memories this episode brought back. Being pregnant is no picnic. I can't speak for anyone else..but let me tell you, Men have it too too easy. For realz. I freaking gained 45 lbs. yo!!! You can't find clothes that fit you right, your skin becomes a war zone, you have an appetite for destruction, you can't breathe, you can't bend over, you can't sleep right...and you can't RUN!!!

Speaking for myself, the first few months were bliss. Yea yea...i had some queasiness in my stomach, but no spewing. My clothes got a bit tight...but not too much, and I actually had reason to eat whatever the hellz i wanted. But by month 9 yo..you just want your body back. The experience truly enlightened me to what our bigger brothers and sisters have to go through..how just breathing is a chore. Now f course, I loved feeling my Son poking me in the digestive tract..and dont' get me wrong..I loved him from the first time I saw that blue line.

Its just seeing that show so made me empathize with the poor girl. Anyone else who hadn't had a baby would probably be saying that that girl was just being a brat, she should be glad she can have a child, blah blah blah..and a whole lot of stuff that a person who hasn't had a child and actually gone through a pregnancy would say. But if you go from being a relatively fit and active woman, to a woman who carries 30 or so lbs. in your abs and lose your ability to see your feet, then yes you have the right to freak a bit. It is yet another case of ...Don't judge until you can't see your feet anymore.

Connection

It's funny being from two places. Not funny HA-HA but funny as in "kinda where do I fit it?".

I was born and bred for two years here in the Valley of the Sun..then we moved back to San Carlos cause shi'ta was elected into the Tribal council. That is the place where I grew up and call, to a certain extent, my home. However, I have not lived there in over 12 years. I now reside on my other Rez, the Mighty Salt River Pima-Maricopa Indian Community, smack dab in the middle of the Phoenix metro area. This is the place that my brother and I spent summers, countless vacations, weekends, living with my maternal side. My mother's home, a place where I live next door to my aunites, grandma, cousins, and to some extent my mommacita.

Back in San Carlos, I never knew that I was much different from the other kids..except when I was called ," sukina cho," aka the dreaded ,"Fat Pima." Not that I was very fat, just that I was Pima...half to be exact, and I guess peepz felt that i needed to be reminded that I wasn't full Apache. It's trippy know when I think of it..I never really realized that I was half..kinda just thinking that everyone had family elsewhere, got up before the sun rose on Saturdays and ate McDonalds pancakes for breakfast on the trip to see their Hoo'oo down the mountain. Like clockwork, we left almost every weekend to see my sh'cousins in Salt River. I learned to walk on asphalt with no shoes, ride a bike in traffic, eat sno cones from the ice cream man, learned to skate at the funky lil skateland, and see movies with a fistfull of popcorn and orange pop. My cousins even had cable on which to watch fraggle rock!! But even in Salt River, I knew that eventually the fun had to end and I had to go back home, my other home, San Carlos.

San Carlos was more isolated, a little harder, and a lot colder. To get any type of shopping done, we had to take the 25-30 minute drive into Globe, and that man, was such a thrill.

But growing up in San Carlos was so fun..we didnt' have xbox, cable, or even that many toys to play with. We had out imagination and vast rolling hills and a playground that consisted of about 20 miles. We could play all day and not have our parents worry about whether we were "safe." Our clock was the sun, and when that set, our little uths'(booties) had better be home. I learned how to bleed and not let it bother me, how to always (even to this day) show the boys that I could hang, how to run with a lungfull of clean air, how to fish in two feet of water, how to live and enjoy the toys that the "Man Above" gives us free of charge.

I love both of my homes..even if I truly do not feel I belong to either..I belong to both.

old knees

Running JazZ:

4 days after my big run..I ran a slow 3 miles. I then proceeded to get chased out of S.R.P.M.I.C. (Salt River Pima-Maricopa Indian Community to those not in the know) at 7:30. I had wanted to do some abs, arms, and some back stretches but...I guess my timing was off. During the run I had felt some soreness and tightness in my left knee..but again, I was expecting it. My bad that is my stretching routine is non-existent. I know i know..when I get in my mind to take my run..I want to just run. Im definitely paying for it in my 30 year old knees. After the run, my knee was a little stiff..but otherwise A-OK. I think that as runners, we tend to learn to deal with a little pain and discomfort.

Friday, after work, Victorio and I visited our LA FITNESS. I proceeded to run three easy miles, despite me telling myself to just take it easy and run maybe an easy 2 and walk 1. But no....seeing all those other peepz on the treadmills pumping their groove out got me going. I was feeling the run and my knee was too, unfortunately. My knee felt much much better than the previous days run..so I gunned it out a 3.25 miles in 30 minutes. Slow but sure...my knee was twinging a bit, but otherwise holding up pretty well.

The only real soreness I felt after Sunday was in my knee. I so swear by the Icy/Hot patch that Shaq sells on T.V...for realz. I wore it all day past the prescribed 8 hours..lol. I even like the smell. Anywho...I did feel a bit tight in my shoulders but really that was the only soreness or tightness that was the fallout from the beating dished out by the pavement.

Today I'm a be heading back "home" to "GODS COUNTRY"..aka San Carlos. My Godson's B=day jammy jam is today along with his twin brothers..yes I said twins. You should see my beautiful friend who is the mother to these twins of terror...she is such a petite little thing..like a month after she had the boys ..she was back into her size 3's..for realz. Today I finally get to see her new Babeegirl..I can't wait to see her and my boyz again. We (meaning Victorio and I) are heading out in a bit as we want to visit with my parents before we go into Globe for the party. The Grandparents want to do some spoiling....and maybe I can get some time in to run the dirt for another easy 3..or maybe not...Hmm...depends on what magazines are going on at home..lol.

Hopefully we make it back in time tonite to catch D-manz B-ball game tonite..he's playing at the Ft. in their New Years tourny...I almost had to play with them last nite..!! Not enough men and the clock running..I was all," good thing I wore my sports bra..har har." Luckily I didn't have to embarrass anybody, and they snagged an easy win.

Man, it seems like our weekends are always busy ...sometimes I want to just be a lazy uth (bootie) and lay like broccoli and watch Laguna Beach and download music all day. Oh well...doing too much is a positive negative..right right?

slow down chick

I've come to realize that I sometimes need to just enjoy the moment and not always plan for tomorrow.

I need to just enjoy NOW, and the beauty that these precious moments hold. I mean, it seems like just yesterday I was 22 years old and thinking that 30 was light years away. Here I am, 30, wondering how the hell the time went so quick..

Yesterday I was footloose and fancyfree, able to go wherever the hell I wanted in a moments notice. Today it takes me about 20 minutes to spontaneously go anywhere, as a 20 mos. old requires more things than I do to just go to the store.

I have always had some sort of goal or objective to get to, to get me to that next big adrenaline rush. So, my life kinda has always been waiting for that next big moment. High school there was of course that adolescent anxiety for the next big boyfriend, dance, party, underage drinking, pep rally, graduation..etc. In college there was of course more of the same, except college actuallty took some sort of mental component in order to pass classes, in addition to, of-age drinking parties, finacial obstacles to be conquered, deadlines to meet, promotions to shoot for, etc.. and of course, GRADUATION.

Been there, accomplished that.

After college, the enevitable job search, the attainment of said "dream job.", meeting of the "one", meeting of the next "ONE", etc. etc etc...

I feel sometimes as though I have reached many of my goals that I have set for myself, personally, physically, educationally. But of course, I want more. When I reach any goal set for myself, I revel in the buildup of meeting that goal. I love the anxiety, the pressure, the drive, the exhileration, the fulfillment that comes with attainment of any goal. Maybe I live to much for the buildup of the goal than attaining the actual goal itself?

I always need something new to strive for. Something new to get my heart racing and my nerves jingling and diet coke coursing through my veins. Am I an adrenaline junkie? Or just a die hard goal driven chica? i dunno..

Of course, there are so many more things that I want to achieve in my life. Masters in Business, producer of my own calender, my ReDLADEE line on par with the big boys of Native Fashion...Native Threads, a 4:00 marathon finisher time, taking my parents to Hawaii, own brand new furniture (ok I could do that but Im kinda a tightwad), re-design and redecorate my house, buy a new door, actually try pilates, own a black Lexus with REDLADEE on the license, become more involved with my Native community here in the Vally - Like actually being on board for one, gettting a second degree in Business Management, learn how to play the guitar and bead, get in a boxing gym an really throw down, dang I guess I got plenty to keep my busy...

Shut me up...

________________________________________________________________________

random as a white rice..

- I was once in a movie..and they had to spraypaint my hair BLACK.

- I can chowdown an entire box of wheat thins in one sitting.

- When I get excited both my accents come out..

- I can count to ten in both my languages.

- I listen to Howard Stern about 4 hrs. a day during the workweek. He cracks me up.

- I was almost named LouAnn.

- I checkout about 7 books on average twice a month from the library.

- I have to force myself to drink H20.

BLAH.

Ladee'z who Lunch

I feel like a stuffed sausage.

Today I was treated out not once, but twice to stuff my face and be a raving carb loader. Victory lunches and dinners are the greatest!

My homies and I met on this glorious MLK day to take advantage of our day off and revel in my soreness and icy/hot patched up legs. 2 1/2 hour lunches are so great when you have great convo and a fat burger yo. I love my beautiful intelligent NATIVE homiez...for realz.

Its funny when you become a new anything..a new mother, a new girlfren, a new wife, etc. Experience has taught me that we, as women, tend to get wrapped up in the "newness" of our experience and focus inwardly on that new thing. This daze may last a while or be quite short..but admit it, it is there. My new thang was my Son, and it lasted for about a year...but now that he is older and I am not so NAZI momma..I can let go a bit more and not stress so much about his existence being based soley on whether I was right there by his side. I am able now, to fully appreciate and realze that I have my own life that I NEED TO MAINTAIN outside of my family unit..I am still a woman seperate from my Momma title.

Friends, especially Woman friends are truly a blessed thing.

I have always been a guy girl..ya know, the one who always had more dude frens than women friends. All the way back to lil Dre daze. When I was younger I attributed it to being more of a tomboy than anything else, but as I got older I found that most women were too bitchy to even be called a friend. So I stuck to what I knew...rollling with boys with the occasionally boyfried thrown in. H.S. found me with a handful of really good female bro's. One in particular who I miss to this day, she is and was a true friend..I just hope that we can rekindle our bond and be reconnect with who we are as women today, funny enough, she is not Native, but kinda brown..lol. My other homiez who I used to role with showed their true colors soon enough and jumped my ass over a Boy toy who I guess was the shit in bed. Not that I ever knew but try telling them that. So after that, I learned to keep Woman at a distance. During College, I cultivated friendships with woman who I thought had my back. Low and behold, backstabbers show their true colors eventually. After being hurt by women who I thought were my sista'z, I vowed to never do that to anyone. If you were all smiles and giggles in my face, and hard words and black thoughts when I was afar, I just cut you out of my life. Period.

I still have those few and far between women friends who have had and continue to have my back from day one. You know who you are..and you all know the real me. For your friendship and acceptance I love you all. These are the ones who put me in check, who listen to my hard words adn love me anyway, who support me in whatever I do, who offer advice and gentle nudge me in the right direction, who just listen to me ...and accept me as I am.

Homiez yo.

MARATHON LADEE

I am sitting here Babeefree, drinking some iced tea, and an icy/hot patch wrapped snug around my knee.

Today was supposed to be my day of rest..but knowing me, I'm washing a load (of laundrey foolz), soaking the dishes to be washed, straightening up the whirlwind my Son left in his wake, and contemplating hitting the mall to redeem some Christmas gift cards.

Hmm..the day after the marathon is not too bad.

My knee is hella sore, but I expected that it was going to give me some problems during and after the race. Other than that, I'm not feeling too shabby. My throat is a bit scratcy, and I have that cough you get after you work out really hard..ya know, the kind that starts when you start laughing and keeps goin...

Anywho..the Marathon rundown yo..

The night before I was running around trying to get all my stuff together. My gel packets, my icy/hot patch, my brace, couldn't find my stopwatch, and still hadn't started on my playlist..all in all, I was kinda bitchy. LOL. Luckily D-man knows how I get when I get nervous and itchy...he tolerated my dramatic ass and gently found all the things I was looking for. Blessed I am. Put my bootie to bed around 10 with my Victorio, we slept like babies..well he is still a babee but you know what I'm saying. I loved that..I think I needed to be near my Son, to feel his love and to remind me where my focus was and put things in perspective. I woke up the next A.M. to his little babee arm curled up on my chest and my hands wrapped around him. "sigh" ..what a great way to start the day of my marathon.

Got up around 5:30, later than I wanted, but luckily the night before I had laid out all my gear and had marked the bags I would be giving my family already packed with my goo, gatorade, and additional clothing. Washed my face, ate a powerbar, water, banana, and some dry toast. I was so not into eating, but I forced myself, as the nite before I ate some kickass spaghetti by the D-man and was still kinda full. Got dressed in my Nike dry-fit longsleeved white tee, red shorts (of course), $10 wetsox, my purple asics (of course), and tied my hair back as tight as humanly possible. Got our jazz loaded and speeded off into the still dark morning. Made it to the spot at 6:50 and lucked out and grabbed a prime parking spot. It was so kool to see all shapes and sizes walking around with thier blue and yellow racing numbers. (blue was for the half-marathon and yellow was for the marathon). I gunned it for the bathroom and got to see the inside about 20 minutes later. It was so funny waiting in line for the BR, I asked this dude..about 35? where the start for the marathon was...he was like the half-marathon? with this superior smirk on his face. I was like MARATHON FOOL..He looked taken aback and said over there...checking me over...I scratched my face and gave him the finger. Mean I know...but daym!!

No biggie, I still had 20 minutes to play with and stretch out.

Anywho, me and my entourage(HA HA) of two men walked over to corral 6. I tried to stretch out, braided my hair and put on my red bandana, drank some last minute gatorade, and sent up prayers for strength to the Man Upstairs. I kissed my lovers and found a byway to get to my corral which for some reason started to move forward. I was like what the shiznit? I thought we had already started..turns out everyone moved forward due to the wheelchair race starting. I remembered last year running the half how many more peepz there were..but the Marathon corrals were so spacious and disorganized. Hmm..

Got my ipod on deck, tried to strech again, and found the pace lady. Before I knew it, we were moving up and out.. I felt strong and happy. Stayed with the pace lady at a pace that I felt was moving too fast for the projected 4:30 finish. Turns out ths lady was running 9 minute miles for the next 7 miles. I tried to check my stopwatch, but the daym thing has stopped at 4:32. I tried to go by the pace watches but I my head couldn't get the calculations right in my head..so I just said F it, even though I felt the pace was slightly to fast for me. Mile 6 then mile 7 flew by when I overheard this man saying that she was running 9's. I ran to him and he was pissed, so was I. Daym, I thought. Why didnt' I listen to my body and readjust..F that lady. But what could I do? I just went with the pace clocks after that...trying to figure out my pace time. Mile 12 came up, I was feeling my knee at mile 9 but I didnt think about it, but Mile 12 My goodness. I just kept running giving myself goals of the next tree, the next stop sign, the next house..and I made it to my parents who met me at mile 14. I saw my Dad's big grin and my golden gatorade bottle. Mumbled a few words and ate my goo and drank my gatorade. Finished and trudged on...but daym, I had to GO!!! Luckily I found a porta-john line free and did my business. By that time I KNEW I had drank too much liquid, my stomach was cramping up, not a sidecramp, but my actual stomach. It was hurting...but not enough to stop me. I just tried to push the hurt out of my mind and think forward to meeting D-man and V at mile 20. "Only 5 more miles till I can stop again" I kept putting to my skull. I hit my wall at mile 16. My lungs were good, my knee was hurting like a mutha, my stomach was cramped up, and mentally i was trying to make my body stop. I walked for a good 15 secs. here and there for the next mile. I told myself to suck it up and remembered this older man who I had passed and what was written on the back of his shirt " I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME." I got back on track and ran down Indian School fortified but still feeling the stress, strain and pain of those past 17 miles. I was not focused on the scenery but on the peeps around me, the determination, the strength, and yes the pride and pain etched on their bodies. It was almost like we were united in our determination to finish this bitch of 26.2. Before I knew it mile 19 was here..one more babeegirl and I can see my two loves and take a break. D-man was holdling up my green gatorade, towering over the others with this huge proud grin. I ran to him and saw my Son sleeping in his stroller... They walked with me while I ate my goo and drank my gatorade. D-man encouraging me and I gave him a salty kiss. Off again to meet my brother at mile 23. 3 miles...and then it hit me. I freaking already ran 20 miles!! My brain couldn't get around that. I remember thinking at mile 6, whoa, at miles 20 Ill be all " I only have 6 miles left", and I was thinking wasn't that like 20 minutes ago?

After that walking break, I couldn't get my groove back, I dropped a couple minutes here and ther trying to get my body back into the run. I pushed myself to run to at least McDowell, then from McDowell to at least McClintock, then from McClintock to Mile marker 22. At 22 I glugged some H20, and thought," One more mile till my brother. I have to run it in to make him proud". I ran that mile 22 looking and praying...but the funny thing was that that pain had become a part of me, it was mentally that i had to talk myself through. Yes I was tired, yes I wanted to stop, but the funny thing was, I knew my body had more to give. I knew that I could run a little faster, push it more, I still had a lot to give..not much, but enough to run it it strong. Mental babee..thats the breakdown.

Mile 23 marker was glowing in the dusty wind, yes, by that time the dust and wind had started to blow. So not only was I battling my jacked knee and sloshy stomach, but the wind had decided to be my enemy. It was windy enough that it had stirred up the dust and making my hair do its own dance..After 22 miles, that wind felt like a hurricaine.

But there, I saw him. My big brother Eagleman. I felt so happy and so relieved to see a familiar and loved face..and that pride I saw made me feel so good. He gave me my gatorade and told me how strong I looked and how fast I was going..we proceeded to run. Yes he ran the last 3 miles in with me. We talked and ran...He was there when I was so ready to just keep stopping. I needed that and I am so thankful that he was there for me. He pushed me to run that last 3 miles faster and harder than I thought I could...On the way in, we passed this older gentleman from San Carlos who is a known and respected runner from a known running family. And I passed him. No disrespect, but that made my whole running year! I didnt' want to acknowledge him because I know he was running with pain and you just don't do that to Apache men, acknowledge that hey Im passing you...and Im a woman.

That last mile felt like 2 miles! I was asking Eagleman dang when does this thing end? Just a little bit further sis..your almost there was my answer. At mile 26 he told me he was going to let me finish it big. "its yours SIS- RUN IT IN!!" SO with that ringing in my ears, I flew. I flew past all these peeps hurting on the side, peeps just struggling to make it in. It hurt but I wanted to finish strong, finish hard. In a way, I knew that I had so much to burn off that I hadn't burned off enough when I ran..that maybe I could of pushed it harder, ran it faster..felt it more. But as with most things, hindsight is a bitch.

I saw the finish line around the corner, the people yelling, the blur of faces...but I saw nobody..I was in my own zone. Pushing it till my legs burned and my lungs were on fire. I crossed that line with my "APACHE" face..lol. The face that I get when I am determined and focused....But as soon as I passed that line, I broke out into the biggest smile that almost cracked my face. I got my mylar blanket, and took off my chip, and there they were. My parents with smiles that matched my own. I limped over and as soon as I saw my Mommacita with wet eyes..mine immediately got wet too.

I felt so proud, but like I couldn't believe it either. I couldn't believe that I ran freaking 26.2 miles. I did it, my goal. Despite my sidetracks to my running with the birth of my Son, my pneumonia, my busy life. I knew I was going to do this, I was going to finish..nothing or nobody was going to stop me. Why? Because I want to do what I say I will do, I want to be about what I am. I want to be who I see myself as being, I dont' want to lie to myself. If I am a runner, that doesnt mean that I run marathons or that I am even a good runner, it means that I finish what I start.

Yes I did cry. Tears of pride and happiness. I did this big thing..and I can call myself a marathoner.

Ignorance is bliss..

I believe that you will never truly know something until you experience it.

I know that I would say in my ignorance of things that I had no experience of, that I could do better..I would know better. What a dumbass.

Experience is the greatest teacher. Wisdom begets experience.

I have said that women who stay with men who hurt them are stupid bitches. Until it happened to me. Love, in its jacked up form, made me believe that that was love.

Ignorance is bliss.

I look back on that person that was me, and I cant' remember being her. I mean I do, but I can't put me hand around that mirror and see that reflection as I was, and in part, still am. I had loved this man , with all that first love entails, utterly, blindingly, exceedingly, foolishly...

I shake my head at these thoughts that flood my brain, trying to loosen them out of my memory. But I remember.

I have the visible scar, and thumb it almost everyday. Its the invisible ones that are harder to hide.

Shame is for that other person, not for me.

It took me a while to unearth that beautiful woman that I once was. To reign in that anger and rage that had no outlet other than beer and cigarettes. I found her...and dusted her off.

Its hard to believe that I have found tears after all these years. But they are happy, happy that I am where I am with a man that has love for me that is so soft and gentle. Two men if you want to be exact..

smoke one for me..

hoo'oo

Tonite I was at the hospital, PIMC to be exact. I guess I take it for granted that that is "THE"hospital for Native peepz.

Anywho..unexpectedly my Grandmomma was the reason for the visit. She is ok, but still in the hospital. I was in agony waiting for Dallas to get home so I could leave Victorio with him to shoot off to be with her.

Mi madre and I had been exchanging calls since early afternoon, waiting for results, news..etc.

My Grandmother is so beautiful..but so stubborn! As a woman of her age, she is set in her ways, and one of her ways is to keep to herself when she is not feeling well..oh that ladee!!!

Seeing her so frail and so tiny in that big white bed made my eyes sting a bit.

I always say that she has the most beautiful smile..so big and REAL! Ya know that kind that comes from pure joy.

I still remember her from when I was a lil dre...playing the piano for me and listening to me bang out my made up songs for her, washing my dirty black feet after playing outside on the hot asphalt, tugging my hair so hard to braid that I had to hold my eyes so that I did not look anymore Asian than I already did..,

She always remember things I said from when I was a babee..always telling me how full of spirt and mischief I was. Feisty I believe was and still is her word.

I love that I can make her laugh and use her hands to cover her "too big" in her opinion smile. That she touches my hands when she talks to me when she forgets herself. I love that my babeeboy has his hoo'oo (great grandmother) to touch him and feel those hands that I felt...

I want to not thing about the future right now...its a little too close.

reality sucks.

part duex

Here's the second part of that list:

BTW: Brokeback Mtn. is a good convo. and strangely sad..
- ZOOLIGHTS ROCK!!

Destiny's Child - Soldier

Dirty Vegas - Days Go By

Enimien - Ass like that

Erykah Badu - Southern Girl
- Love of My Life

Everclear - Santa Monica

Geto Boys - Mind Playing Tricks on Me

Gogo's - Our Lips are Sealed

Green Day - Wake me Up When September Comes
- Time of Our Lives

Gwen Stefani - Luxurious

Dr. Dre - Xxplosive

Ice Cube - What Can I do
-We Be Clubbin
- You Can Do It

Incubus - Talk Show on Mute

Indigenous - C'mon Suzie

Isley Brothers - Whos that Lady?

Jennifer Lopez - Get Right

Kanye West - Jesus Walks

Kelly Clarkson - SInce You Been Gone (Jason Nevins Dub)

Kate Bush - This Woman's Work

Kittie - Mouth of Poison

LeAnn Rimes - But I do Love You
- Probably Shoudn't Be This Way

Lenny Kravits - Again
- American Woman

Limp Bizkit - Faith

DJ Alyssa Divine -

Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam - Let the Beat Hit Em

Lumidee - Uh Ohh (busta rhymes remix)

M.C. Breed - Aint No Future in yo frontin

Madonna - Dont Tell Me

Malo - Suavicito

Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved

Martina McBride - This One's for the Girlz

Method Man - Break Ups to makeups

Midi Maxi Efti - Bad bad boys

MIssy Elliot - On & On

Morris Day & the Time - Jungle Love

Mos Def - Ms. Fat Booty

Motley Crue - Kickstart My Heart

MXPX - Do Your Feet Hurt?

My Chemical Romance - Helena

N.W.A. Fuck the Police

Oasis - Wonderwall

Outkast - So Fresh So Clean

Pam Tillis - All the Good Ones Are Gone

Papa Roach - Scars

Pat Benatar - Love is a Battlefield

Pussycat Dolls - StickwitU
- Dont Cha
- Beep

Radiohead - Paranoid Android

Rascall Flats - These Days

The Roots - You Got Me

Rod Stewart - Your in my Heart (the final acclaim)

Salt N Pepa - None of your business

Selena - Bidi bidi bom bom

Shakira - La Tortura

Sheryl Crow - Cmon Cmon
- Picture
-Strong Enough

Snoop Dog - Lay low
- beautiful

Stevie Nicks - Rhiannon

TLC - Creep

playlist:: kissmyfeet

Last nite I was up till 130 am messing with Itunes..and I just now bought myself a new $25 itunes card along with 3 dvds...Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Beauty Shop, and the Notebook..yes I do watch me some chica flickz. I kinda felt "somehow" buying all that shizz..but the dvd's were only freaking 10 bux!! Sides, I get my tax-exempt status going on at the Pavillions..being a card carrying member of the "MIGHTY SALT". It's not really tax exempt, its like 1.7% but who am I to quibble?

Anywho..I also made a stop at Sports Authority..picked me up my new white Nike long-sleeved sweat proof with a pocket shirt for next weekend. Along with a new red brace (Victorio threw my other one in the trash I believe), and some strawberry flavored powergel..3 to be specific.

I'm back and my boyz are in the bedroom making weird thumping noises..so they're doing their daddy-son thang. AnywhO..

tHE whole purpose of this blog was to get back to a running playlist that I had been meaning to type up for a while now...jams that make me run. '

So in no particular order ..here we go:

Hilary Duff - Come Clean (this song makes me feel all happy and light - kinda like wonderbread..hehe)

Audioslave - Doesnt Remind Me (great inspiring video..check it out yo..and they just rock)

Deep Forest - Sweet Lullaby (so calm and beautiful..thanks to the ex who introduced me to this kind of music..good memories.)

Laryn Hill - To Zion (to my Victorio..my Zion. gives me that push I need when I'm tired..)

Rage Against the Machine - BUlls on Parade (makes me wanna Kick someone in the head)

P.O.D. - Alive (speaks for itself)

Black Eyed Peas - Hey Mama (lol..this is my REDMOMMA jam..think they are singing to me)

Q-Tip - Vivrant Thang (ol RIO daze...lol)

Prince - KISS (do I really need to say anythang? Its FREAKING PRINCE)

Georgie Porgie - Sunshine (dance music..make me move yo)

Queens of the Stone Age - Go with the Flow (running in Washington yo..clear lungs and cold fingertips..aww..thanks to the one who could've been..)

Hole - Celebrity Skin (takes me back to Schemitzen Pow-wow, Conn. running through them trees...)

Keith Secola - Ndn Car (again..Do I need to say anything..)

Litefoot - Ancestor (I dont give a F. what anyone says about this Native brotha whose come up on HIS OWN..respect to the ones doing it...and this song humbles me and give me fire..)

Red Hot Chilipeppers - Suck my Kiss (do a karate kick)

Beastie Boys - Intergalactic (minneapolis Minn. - 5th Avenue Club..where Purple Rain was shot..dancing till the sun came up with a Man that I loved..sigh)

Dem Franchise Boys - I think they Like me ( i dont want to like it but i Do)

Jay-Z - 99 problems (makes me wanna flip off someone..and then spit)

Milky - Be My World (so soft and so clean..rhythm yo..got me moving my feet)

George Michael - Freedom (makes me zoom off into the soft fuzzies of a soft lens..)

Madonna - Hung Up (this ladee got it down on this one..the beat is killer)

Janet Jackson - Pleasure Principle (I know this whole dance yo..lol. makes me wanna make some hand dance gestures)

Janes Addiction - Jane Says (soft melodic and soothing..what I need when I need to catch my breath or lay is down soft)

Weezer - Say it aint so (again, soft and soothing..)

Bush - Comedown (just the right touch of hard and soft)

Gorillaz - Feels Good (the beat kiks bootie..)

Busta Rhymes - Touch It (hard with that electric touch I feel..rhyme skillz and energy)

Kylie Minogue - I Believe in you (fire me up and make me sing with ya..needed when Im tiring and need that steady beat)

Kelly Osbourne - One Word (she got that dance music thang down yo..smooth and tight)

Sugarhill Gang - APACHE ( speaks for itself ..lol)

Foo Fighters - Best of You (FIRE ME UP..makes me wanna do handstands)

2pac - Me and My Girlfriend (from one of the best..ol skool with some fire)

Aaliyah - Try Again (motivational second to none)

Audioslave - Cochise (anything by them is killer..)

Beegees - More Than a Woman (smooth on the disco type..again,. feel like they are singing to me)

Beyonce - Me myself and I (all about being indepedent...fire up my soul)

Blackbox - Strike It Up (ol skool dance at its best)

the Boyz - He's Watching (pow-wow that makes me wanna fancydance)

Chaka Khan - Aint Nobody ( both are inspiring to woman and great motivaters)
- Im Every Woman

Britney Spears - Everytime (Remix - Morales Dance Mix)-

Coldplay - the Scientest (beautiful melody..good to run to on that Down time)

Daft Punk - One More Time (fire me up and give me rhythm)

Damian Marley - Welcome To Jamrock ( so plodding it matches my footfalls..also makes me wanna fire it up..)

Deftones - Change

Des'ree - You gotta be

I gots more but im tired yo..

peace out and let me know your list..

6 more dayz..

9 daze

9 dayz..

thats all that's left between me and that 26.2.

I believe that I am ready, mentally, physically, and emotionally.

My last long run was on Tues, consisting of 10 miles in 1 hr. 30 minutes. I ran easy till the last mile..where I pushed it out and RAN. In the past couple of months I have run long up to 19 miles. I have read and was told that if you are training for a marathon, it is reccomended to run for either 20 miles or 3 1/2 hrs..neither exceeding that 3 1/2 hour limit.

Running that first 19 miler was hard, but a good gauge of where my weaknesses are and what needs to done to smooth out next Sunday. I know now that I need to wrap my left knee and really stretch it out before, during and after the race. I feel that knee when I reach that 10 mile marker...old age? strain? i dunno..I just know that it hurts and makes me run like C3PO. I know that at mile 19 I'm mentally good, and my lungs are clear and free, but also that my knee is gonna be taking a beating.

Everyday, I mentally go through the route, my strategy, my pacing, readjusting my playlist, and reaffirmation.

I cannot believe that this big day will be here next weekend. I am so thankful that my family is going to be along the route to cheer me on and give me gifts of gatorade, goo, and encouragement.

This next week I will be taking it easy, running maybe only 3 or 4 times with no longer than 45 minutes. I want to be well rested, well hydrated, and carb loaded.

Pray for me yo..

see ya at the finish line..

...sure somehow me....

Its a new year..and one of my goals is to actually go onward with this blog.

I used to love to write so..I even wrote a book in hieroglyphics back in my young dre daze. Reading my old blogs posted on myspace and even those sporadic few posted here gave me an itch that I have to scratch.

I've been an avid blogger reader for the past two years..its kinda like being a peeping tom., (LOL I actually wrote peeing tom on first edit..geez I crack myself up)I can read with big eyes into someone else's life.

So put your glasses on and read into mine..

Lets do this....

NOTE: This is an old post from my first attempt at blogging..I believe the date was around this time last year....END NOTE:..hehe

I find myself thinking many things right now, and none of them seem able to come out on this page just right..Its been so long since i have really written anything from the heart, my heart seems to have lost its voice..

BUT, I will try. So, please bare with me on this new blog ...I will reveal the only me that I know ..real and uncut, so if I offend or get ya thinking, then I have at least done a halfass kinda job, cuz the real person I wanna get going is my own voice...

Clears throat, so heres my first ramble of the night:

Its amazing to me that what people write in their blogs gets me thinking about myself and my own views, but I guess thats sorta the point right? Like, I read about peeps runnin again and it makes me wonder, what do others consider a real run? I mean I always see peeps write about running is their interest...what does that mean? Do you run at least 3 miles a day for 5X a week? Do you do the occasional jog around the complex? Do you run once every two weeks? What does jog really mean? For myself, I consider running to be all out busting ass at 8 minute miles for 5 miles at least 5X a week....So it kinda irks me to read about these peeps who write running as a hobby..or "Oh I went jogging today.." Run with me and we'll see what jogging means..LOL. I know I sound like a running asshole, but believe me, I think I have earned the right.
I began running way back when I was a lil Dre with my Daddy, he was running marathons, half-marathons, 10K's, and doing 6 miles/6 days a week ..with a hard run consisting of 12 miles...This was running on the Rez over ravines, soft squishy sand, overgrown weeds, and wild animals chasing ya down...
From there, I went on to cross country and track in HS..state and all
and now, I have gotten back into my love that pays me back with lost toenails, tendonitis, burnt legs, bushy braids, runners feet, and sweat soaked and lovely smelling shirts.. 8 mos. after I had the love of my life, my Son, Victorio, I ran the half-marathon here in Phx. I finished in 2:10..not too shabby ..but I now know i could've kicked bootie way better..and so I will next year when I run the marathon...
It has been a struggle to get back into running condition, a long hard uphill battle, but I am most defintely there...
Although I do run to maintain my health, I believe that the biggest reason why I run is to maintain my mental health...this girl here has some serious anger issues that stem from things that i so do not want to get into now..but, I do know that I have them so thats a step in the right direction...
I do know this, if I did not run, all my shit that sticks to my soul like black tar and wants to come out in ways that the old Dre would love to accomodate, would fester and make my spirit black..
Running is my therapy, it is a way that I pray, it nurtures me, it hurts me in a way that makes me feel alive, its always there for me even when sick, it makes me feel ike I can fly, it teaches me patience, it pushes me to excell, it understands me...
I see peeps running by me at the park or at the gym..and I have to beat em..I have to run further than them, faster than them, smoother than them...of course, I am not always the best, but I know that I always try my best to be....

I could write on and on..and I will..but I Think that is enough Dre for right now..and yes I sometimes do have the annoying habit of writing about myself in third person..deal.