Back for good....

How in the hells did I forgo the whole month of May?

Anywho..after a much needed rest and semi-retirement from blogging, I'm back, somewhat.

A lot has happened since March 21st, 2007, the last time I had blogged.

A bro got married, I had my hair curled resembling the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz after his makeover, my Son turned 3!!!!, made good with a friend, registered for my third marathon, lost 2 lbs., etc. etc...

I'm currently stressing over this 26.2 I am to do next weekend.

I feel that in no way am I ready like I was ready in Jan. for PF Changs. For that marathon, man did I train. I had a planned and plotted training guide, carbo-loaded, and pushed myself to my limits. However, that marathon did not have the planned for effect of hitting my 4:20.

This time, I registered half-heartedly, mostly due to a high school graduation that was pushed to the following weekend which subsequently freed me up to do San Diego.

Here I go again...

My longest run to date for the marathon has been only a paltry slow-paced 18 miles down in 3:23 minutes. An average breakdown of 10:45? i think...

I haven't been stringent with my running like when I was the running nazi in the days of yore..heh.

This time has me slowing down the pace, taking walking breaks, and actually downing gatorade and gu during the run. Overall, I feel apprehensive and strangely detached from the fact that I will be hitting this marathon "loose". I feel in someways, unprepared for this run and yet resolved. My goal is just to finish, simply and to actually ENJOY THE RUN.

I want to do this run for me.

I want to run 10:30-11 minute mile pace for the entire run, to allow myself to stop and look around, to actually use a port-a-join and take my time if I have to (gross I know). I want to run this EASY....

I ain't gonna lie, I am freaking scared that I will not finish or give up. I have peeps all around telling me that I will do fine, they are confident in me that I will do well and complete the race. Myself, I know the feeling at mile 19 when you just feel that you can't go on any further, and the thought of 7 more miles cripples you and make you want to cry. I know the feeling of your body hurting but knowing intrinsically that it can finish, but mentally, oh my freaking goodness, mentally you just want to lay down and let the ambulance carry you away. I know the feeling of failure tapping you on your shouder and whispering to you, and the scared you pushing your hair aside so you can hear better. I'm freaking terrified but weirdly calm.

I feel strong, and more calm than I have ever felt before a race as big as this.

I am trying to trust in my legs, the goddesses of steel that they are. My mind is what I must build up and guide to believe in myself.

As the day nears, I stretch my old bones and pray for the guidance that HE has never failed to give me, and the strength that I know is withing myself, if I could just find it.