give it all to get it all...

After the rain the sun does shine.

Many people look at my life and think that I have it made. I have my Son, I have my family, I have security, I have enough money to get me by, I have love, I have my health.

But sometimes, the picture isn't always as rosy as it appears. Just like everyone else in this world, I have/had my ups and downs. I have allowed myself to wallow in my pain, but at the same time, I have also picked myself up (sometimes with the help of my bros) and kept going.

You can look at someone and not see the pain they hide, the secrets they keep.

At this point in my life, I can truly say I am happy. So happy that I wake up feeling joy in my heart, bursts of happiness that erupt in big smiles and kind words. I think that a lot to do with this, is the fact that I had to be humbled to get to this point, to truly appreciate my life and all that it holds.

Last year at this time, I wasn't so happy. I deluded myself into wrapping myself into a cocoon of denial and putting a stamp on it that this is my life, happy or not, deal with it. I emerged from that dark place with the love of my family, my friends, and myself.

I believe I forgot my worth. I lost myself in my life for a second, I lost my identity. I was so consumed with being a "mom", that I forgot that I am and will always be, Dre. All my goodness and all my badness, my crazy past and my unknowable future are all coponents of what make me me. I am more than a mother, although that is a big part of my life, I am also still a woman who loves tatoos, gettting rowdy at concerts, loves the feeling of a cussword on the tip of my tongue, drinks oj right from the container, and who is still fallible. I believe that I can never be the perfect mother or person, but I sure as hell can try.

I emerged from this dark place allowing myself to be humbled enough to open my heart and be truly vulnerable. To allow the innermost part of my soul to be exposed and give it all, with no regard for pride. I had to give it all to get it all.

I had to put down my stupid pride that says I dont need nothing from nobody, I can do it all myself. Truth is, thats a load of bullshit. Sure, you could do it all yourself, but if there are people there to nurture you, to love you, to help you when you really need it, whats the point of shouldering it all alone?

Point is, sometimes you have to put everything on the line, put down all your defenses, to allow yourself to be happy.

God has a reason for everything, even though I still think he's got a jacked up sense of humor at times.

family ties

No Church today, no dinner either. No real weight issues, just cheese pizza and a mega groceries from Safeway.

Was thinking of hitting the sweet dirt today, but the day slipped through my fingers too quick and before I knew it, darkness was here.

Not that I totally lazed out, we did move out V man's crib and made room for his brand new Cars bed, cleaned out a lot of junk, boxed it up, and moved it on to the spare, attended my beautiful neice's 17th and finally got to deliver my belated Christmas presents to my sisters and nephews and neices..

I love my Family. I feel bad that at times I don't see them enough. Its crazy to see my neices and nephews become older and have deep voices and boyfriends and styling gel in their hair. Its crazy to think that I am a grandmother, my oldest sister has a daughter who is 10 years younger than me with a Son who in our way, is my Grandson. How I love that title.

I am glad that I have that closeness with my family that is so huge, but sad that my family is so huge that there are many people that I am not close too. On top of that, we're talking two different tribes here...so take into account all that intails with tribes that span different bands, clans, and states. Whew.

My brain hurts from watching body parts fly in Saw 3 then following that with Dane Cook's stupid bootie....Im out.

flabby but kickin..

I am so sore.

Last nite I hit up the gym and took my first kickboxing class in like 6 mos? I remembered how intense the class was/is, and I was so looking forward to sweating some buckets.

Luckily, at this time of year I was able to secure a spot near the front in order to view my flexing muscles (hah). Usually, at the La Fitness the first of the year is flooded with first time gym goers eager to lose some weight, meet resolutions, etc, but by this time...they kinda all fade away. Hence, the not so tightly packed room. I saw my reflection in the mirrored walls and kinda was noticing my pudge around the midsection. I tried to remember if I had looked like this the last time I had taken this class, and I didnt remember feeling the revulsion and disgust that I did at that time, nor the sucking in of the gut that I was currently doing amid all the skinny minnies with their sports bras and lycra capris.

Now, I have been pigging out since the marathon last weekend, and being a sloth compared to my usual activities. Fast food has been my best friend and worst enemy this past week.

I haven't weighed myself in a minute, but the last time I did, I was at 138. I believe now I weight a wee bit more than that but I'm scared to climb on a scale.

Like I had stated previously, I STILL want to lose at least 10 lbs. to get down to 130. I feel flabby and fat. I hate that feeling. Maybe a lot has to do with being inactive for a week compared to how my training was up until the marathon. Maybe its just exercise/goal letdown, ya know, now that I have completed my marathon I'm kinda lost with no exercise goal to get to.

However, I do want to tone up. I still have definition in my arms and leg that I can see, its my midsection that needs major work. Having a kid can do that to you. heh.

At least the kickboxing class is a step in the right direction, working out muscles I haven't in a while.

That class kicked my ass, and I am currently so sore right now. After the class, I had to pick up Victorio out of the daycare and I almost couldn't lift him and carry him all the way to the car as he was in a dead sleep. My arms were shaking and felt like they were going to give...I love that kinda sore feeling.

My right heel still is feeling some pain, but not enough to keep me from working out. I talked to another Native runner ladee who totally kicked ass at the marathon running a 3:40!!, and she said that it sounded like it was a heel spur and reccommended acupuncture! She had had heel spurs before and stated that the cortisone shots did not help, but then she got turned on to acupuncture and it is totally gone. Hmm, I might just do it.

Anywho, that is my public goal. To tone up, lose at least 10 lbs and train for my third marathon in San Diego June 3rd. I plan to hit up a couple of halfers before that, the Valley of the Sun 1/2 Marathon on March 11th, and possibly the Shiprock 1/2 Marathon in May.

See you there?

missing an old friend..

I haven't run in almost a week.

I've been eating greasy food in an abudance as well as beans, YUM.

I feel really fat.

I have this unrealistic thought that my beautiful purple velour pants I have on right now are getting a wee bit tight. Or is it realistic? lol. I dont know, but Im getting worried.

I miss the run yo.

I tease myself with the prospect of going outside and sliding on my 400+ mile shoes with a slick braid and dirt on my calves. But then I say nah.... I need to rest, and I ain't gonna lie, being a lazy bum who watches My Super Sweet Sixteen on VHI and bids on ebay with abandon while guzzling diet coke is a sweet sin.

Tomorrow peeps, I feel the need to hit some earth and feel the sweat sting my eyes. Im gonna just run, no tunes, no Nike+ to monitor my run, just embrace my old friend and give it a big bear hug.

Oh how I've missed you old friend.

4:40:17

Today I have a red chappy face, couple of blisters on my toes, major red isssues near my nostrils, and two achy thigh muscles, but one jubliant feeling of happiness!!

Yesterday I ran my second marthon in 4:40:17. 4 seconds faster than last year, heh. Not my hoped and intended for 4:20, but I am so happy that I finished and at least 4 seconds faster.

The morning was so cold! I believe when we started the temperature was at 27 degrees? Personally, I really didn't feel the cold, not even when I squatted among the parked cars in the parking lot 20 minutes before the race, my bare ass didn't care, and didn't feel it. I think I was so amped for the start and the actual race, I was buzzing with anticipation and nerves.

We got there after the delay in shi'ma braiding my hair, taking it apart, and rebraiding again cause she wasn't happy with it (heh). Had about 20 minutes to hit my corral, hence the squatting in the parking lot, and with a bad omen of thinking I had purchased eye drops the night before to lubricate my contacts at Target, but instead buying lens cleaner which I stupidly put in my eye so I was left with a burning,swollen, red, puffy eye right before we parked..oh joy.

Luckily I used my water to flush out my eye which I then proceeded to get all over my shirt and shorts, which with the cold ass weather wasn't a good way to go.

I had packed an old ratty pair of black sweats that I have owned for about 10 years to wear over my shorts if I had to, until the start of the race. D suggested I put them over my cold wet shorts to offer some sort of warmth, so I did.

I had on my red bandana, white long-sleeved Nike dri-fit tee, my brick red Under Armor running shorts, my black ratty sweats, my trusty and trusted race sox that I wear for every big race, and my semi-new Nike+ Air Max's from my love...perfect.

Got to the corral and jumped in line. Got situated and plugged into my Nike+ system, kissed my loves, did my thing with the Man Upstairs, shook out my legs (but didn't have time to stretch), and before I knew it ...we were off.

Jogged easy and light down the line, crossed the Start and heard the chip go buzz. Eased into a9:20 pace..

(sorry..my Son needs me ..more later)

------------Back in this...

so anyway..off we went with a quick wave to Ms. Mary Kim Titla on the side, who I understand ran the 1/2 Marathon? It all went so fast, I wasn't feeling the cold, and I didn't have time to peel off my sweats so I just kept trucking.

Mile one was up with a quickness, peeps passing me left and right as I tried to maintain my 9:30 pace and slow down the adrenaline running through my veins telling me to go faster. Pretty soon, the 4:30 pace group leader was running by my side, holding up her sign. I freaked out when I saw her as I was still pacing myself with the 4:20 finishing time. I speed my ass up, big mistake, and floored it to a 9:05 pace.

Mile 3 had us face to face with some big mega signs that we were all running to hell. Nice, real inspring guys. I said as much to this ladee running next to me. Shook my head and moved on. By this point, I was feeling a slight dull ache to my side. I tried to not think about it and just push through. I believe we also ran right by the Frybread House which I had to look directly at as a lil good luck charm..corny I know.

I believe the dull ache might have been caused by this brand new energy drink I had that mornig on the way to the run, not too smart to try out new things the day of the marthon.

Anywho, before I knew it, we were turning to our right, onto mile 6 and only 20 more miles to go.

to be continued..

The bend in the road gave me hope for what was to come ahead. Even this early, I was having doubts in myself. Physically I felt fine, a slight pull in my side, runny nose, but it was mentally I was feeling shaky.

Made it on to Mile 10 with a quick glug of my GU, with surprise surprise no stop, just a slowing down and a quick swish of H2o.

Pushed past the crowd with carried me during this mental battle and prayed like I had never prayed before.

Mile 13 had me dashing by my parents with a quick handoff of gatorade and new gel packs. I walked a bit to drink down the gu and gatorade (that accelarde stuff they were giving out sucked ballz). As soon as I stopped, my right heel started up with the stabbing pain. It came out so fast that it pushed me to run with a limp. When walking with it, it hurt worse than to run, so off I went, tossing my gatorade to the side and tried to get the boogers under control.

Mile 20 I ran to my loves, a salty, sweaty, boogery, bushy mess. Stopped for a quick second to give Son a kiss, but when I bent down to lay one on him, my right thigh started to cramp up...had to move on and start running again.

Mile 25 had me running with my brother again. Me whispering to him that I wanted to stop, I was so tired and so beat down...I just wanted it to be over.

Mile 26.2 had me smacking that fugging finish line with my feet. POUND POUND..your out sucka!!

At the end, I was greeted by my Godfather (who I didn't even know was going to show up and made me cry), my parents, my brother, my D and my Son....as well as later on my LADEE'z witha quick bootie sign that read," KIK BOOTIE REDLADEE".

I did it...

My second marathon. Come June..Ima do it all over again. Am I crazy ?

IM A BITCH

This piece of shit computer fucking sucks.

I have written at least 5 blogs on here but they have all been deleted by this fucking computer.

Sorry im cussing so much but dammit..Im PISSED!!

HERES MORE THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF:

1) using every excuse in the book to get you off from doing something that you dont really want to do. SUCK IT UP.

2) COmputers that suck ballz.

3) Having to wait for the treadmill at LA FITNESS for those stupid suckas that are only walking for 10 minutes.

4) PMS. (which is the excuse for this rage..see im also a hypocrite and I cant freaking spell)

5) Having 50 channels on TV and nothing to watch.

6) Being a packrat and having to go through boxes of junk that I cant throw away.

7) My anger. I suck balls ..(yes I admit it)

8) Cheap Native jewelry..I know what stringing cheap shit looks like.

9) Peeps who whine and complain about shit they can change. (yes I am included in that)

10) Having to buy new work shoes and things I need but never having enough freaking time to do anything.

Whew...feel much better now.

im still running..
but im runing late.
more to come later..

Promise..

recap

I know I've been ducking and dodging my beloved home here on the web.

Like everyone else, I have a life outside of these typed words, and yes, I've been lazy.

Its so much easier to read other's words then to leave an impression of my life.

Here's a quick recap..

1) Christmas was spent with my beloved's family in Califas, which we spent an entire 7 days with. The weekend of Christmas we spent in Reno and had a freaking blast!! It was so cold but we all had so much fun. Baby V had some much needed time to spend with his cousin's and grandma and poppa, and Daddy and I had mucho fun on the casino floor..lol.

-I ran 10 miles in Reno and almost passed out. I believe the elevation was like 6500 if not 7000 feet and man was I freaking tired! But I did it.
-I ran a total of 21 miles in D'z hometown, elevation of 6000 feet. I so rock.

2) New Years my Mommacita watched Son-boi as we went out for a night of debauchery..
Good times at Urbaninjun.com 's event at 1 am, but we had spent most of the night at this other spot with D'z sure goot fren'z...I loved my kiss at Midnite..toast to a brand new hopefull new year!!

3) Son-boi finally got into the daycare program here in Salt River!!! After two freaking years...he's in! I am so excited for him to start, but scared that it will take him a bit to get adjusted....my lil man is growing up!! The program out here on the REZ is tailored to incorporate physical activity, healthful eating, the traditions of the O'odham, and of course advanced pre-school activities!! Not to mention we'll be paying way less than we were at his daycare off the rez....

4) Tobacoo tax that was voted and approved of went into effect for the rest of Arizona, however, debate was left upon whether it was applicable to the tribes. After 2 and a half weeks of waiting, upon which a retro tax that MIGHT BE applied to the tribes was hanging over our heads, the Attorney General of AZ decreed that the tribes were not to be taxed!!! YEA....a major and totally unexpected plus for the tribes!! Right now, we're eating up the money that this tax break has given us as a smokeshop, however, it looks like in the long run, the tax will have to be paid one way or the other....THE MAN gives it to the TRIBES every time..

5) Saw DREAMGIRLS the other night with shi'ma. JENNIFER HUDSON blew me the F away. !!!

She had me crying not once, but two times in the movie theatre and had me clapping my hands like I was at a live show at the end of every song and when here name appeared on the credits. She is the type of singer that gives you chills....she is a STAR!!

6) My heel had been hurting me. Deep inside like a knife has been stabbed in the center. Luckily, it has been feeling better, but I am worried as how my heel will be feeling at mile 20 next weekend for the big 26.2. I've heard plantar facilitis(?) and heel spur. I dont know really, I just want it to go away.

My last long run of 8 miles is to be hit this SUnday...anyone wanna run with me?

Just a quick recap..ill get back into it as the week progresses.

Peace and LOVE...