give it all to get it all...

After the rain the sun does shine.

Many people look at my life and think that I have it made. I have my Son, I have my family, I have security, I have enough money to get me by, I have love, I have my health.

But sometimes, the picture isn't always as rosy as it appears. Just like everyone else in this world, I have/had my ups and downs. I have allowed myself to wallow in my pain, but at the same time, I have also picked myself up (sometimes with the help of my bros) and kept going.

You can look at someone and not see the pain they hide, the secrets they keep.

At this point in my life, I can truly say I am happy. So happy that I wake up feeling joy in my heart, bursts of happiness that erupt in big smiles and kind words. I think that a lot to do with this, is the fact that I had to be humbled to get to this point, to truly appreciate my life and all that it holds.

Last year at this time, I wasn't so happy. I deluded myself into wrapping myself into a cocoon of denial and putting a stamp on it that this is my life, happy or not, deal with it. I emerged from that dark place with the love of my family, my friends, and myself.

I believe I forgot my worth. I lost myself in my life for a second, I lost my identity. I was so consumed with being a "mom", that I forgot that I am and will always be, Dre. All my goodness and all my badness, my crazy past and my unknowable future are all coponents of what make me me. I am more than a mother, although that is a big part of my life, I am also still a woman who loves tatoos, gettting rowdy at concerts, loves the feeling of a cussword on the tip of my tongue, drinks oj right from the container, and who is still fallible. I believe that I can never be the perfect mother or person, but I sure as hell can try.

I emerged from this dark place allowing myself to be humbled enough to open my heart and be truly vulnerable. To allow the innermost part of my soul to be exposed and give it all, with no regard for pride. I had to give it all to get it all.

I had to put down my stupid pride that says I dont need nothing from nobody, I can do it all myself. Truth is, thats a load of bullshit. Sure, you could do it all yourself, but if there are people there to nurture you, to love you, to help you when you really need it, whats the point of shouldering it all alone?

Point is, sometimes you have to put everything on the line, put down all your defenses, to allow yourself to be happy.

God has a reason for everything, even though I still think he's got a jacked up sense of humor at times.