Hoo'ooo

ga’ gaaa...

Sometimes it hits me, hard.

Like this afternoon, random I felt it punch my gut. Out of nowhere, or maybe all it took was a gaze at my Son sleeping beside me, the tears broke through and made me gasp at how hard it came.

I am tired this night, I had a long day yesterday, work, Son, speeding to Tucson to catch words with good friends and good vibes, maybe that was what made me release what was I kept squashed down between my heart and my head.

it came and shook me with sobs that I didn't know were still there. I ached for her, for what she meant to me, for what I felt I could of been more of.
She is a woman who I aspire to be like, but know that I fall short of.

Words seem to fail me now, the don't seem to capture what she was/is.

Even now, I can't differentiate between was and is. I dream of her at night. I think she's letting me know she's happy in the sky.

I know I really shoudn't be writing this, but this what needs to be said about her and what she meant in my life. She's so much more than these typed words on a stupid myspace blog, but it's all I can do for now, and in a way, doesn't that count for something.

At my worst last week, when I was battling the heat, exhaustion and hunger on that concrete path, she flew butterflies in my face and I managed to go on when I was doubting the sanity of it all, Really, what did it matter at that point in the scheme of my world?

She showed me golden wings and gave me a mental nudge to do what I know I could, what she wanted me to.

I hate choking on my tears, so tonite, I released some of them, even now, in this stream of conciousness, I know she will always be there, to show me golden wings.

I miss her.

"BACK IN MY HEAD"

After an extended break from writing, and a really bad case of spelling. I return to you, my two blog readers..heh.

I refuse to recap what I've been up to at this point, just going on the knowledge that it's more of the same, although I do admit that I am less then I once was.

I am in preparation for the upcoming PF Changs 2008 Marathon. I admit, I haven't been training like I believe that I should. My longest run so far has consisted of 13.1 miles, with an average rate of 25-30 miles per week. My pace has dropped down to about 9:00 minute miles, my happy place.

I can push harder, but I choose not to. heh. I admit, I'm being lazy.

I've developed a relaxed approach to my running after the San Diego marathon this past summer. I think I kinda burnt myself out for a second.

After a late awakening turned a half-marathon into a 20K opportunity, I found myself running in an environment that felt like home. It was a small race, in a beautiful setting, with varied hills and a great pace time. I felt back in my head after that.

I was in "God's Country" aka the San Carlos Apache Rez, where I grew up a couple of weeks ago, running up a dirt path that shi'ta and I used to run back in the day. I pushed that sucker out with no ears, no garmin, no road, and cleansing deep breathes. I felt at peace again. I felt at peace with myself. After all the noise, all th gadgets, all the junk that runners now have, I was stripped back down to where and how I had all began. Me, a dirt road, and the squish of my shoes on my homeland. I was reborn and recharged.

I begin this journey again to share what I can and decide to share. Give me patience while I find my writer's feet....

I don't want to be an APPLE!!

This past week I finished with a total of 22 miles under my belt, counting from Monday to Sunday. My longest run was on Sunday with an hour run for 6.4 miles.

I have been sticking to incorporating other exercises into my workouts. I have been trying the elliptical, the bike, and the rowing machine as well as sporatic free weight exercises.

But for the life of me, I dont get whats going on with my weight! I have gained since Jan's PF Changs a total of 9 freaking lbs!! I can totally tell to as my once "baggy" pants are starting to fit just right and "gasp" getting a big tight!! I felt like such a pig, but I really don't see how the lbs. have piled on..I have still been exercising, eating like I usually do, although I did make a big change in my life regarding birth control..lol. It's kind of TMI for my site but screw it, Ill give up anything to find a reason for the gain!

I could see the weight in the mirror yesterday at my kickbox class. Ugh! My arms are good, I love the defintion in my arms, and my legs are the usual goddesses of steel (heh), its my midsection thats got to go!!! When I gain, it always goes there, bleh. I don't want to be shaped like an apple..!! I want to be a coca-cola bottle..heh.

I've worked so hard to retain a healthy lifestyle, it sucks to see it all go to sh*t.

So as of yesterday, I went to the grocery store and bought some "diet" food. I bought some lowfat yogurt, fruit, cottage cheese, Sprite "ZERO" (heh), OJ and low fat milk. I also splurged and bought some FUJI water (yum) and some Propel packets to add to my water to give it more of a taste.

Anyone have any diet tips or anything at all to help me get back down to 135, let me know.

OR, if you want to join me in this weight loss challenge..hit me up. We can be weight lost buddies or even set up some kind of weight loss contest with a payout at the end. Nothing is more of an incentive than good health of course, but Moolah or free junk never hurts..heh.

Roll them bones!"

I had taken 7 days out of my workout life to recuperate and recover.

My old bones were feeling the effects of my 31 years. heh. In the morning, my knees would creak and protest the mornings first steps, my right foot still has a weird bump near my arch, my back (as usual) has been aching even worse, and my shoulders have been feeling aches and I believe I wretched my sockets so it hurt to even lift my arm.

I was a mess.

It was so weird because it would hurt to even walk after sitting for a bit, my knees would be so sore and hurt and ache so bad! It was to the point where I even took aspirin, and I never take medicine if I can help it.

I was reminded that I had just finished my second marathon in a year less than 3 weeks ago, but being the Superwoman that I am, I think thats not an excuse! But, I have to remind myself that I am not superwoman..or in my case, superwoman in lowercase..heh. I am a regular woman who is succeptible to pains, overworking my body, and being tired.

Hence, my 7 day vacation from working out. I did however walk, though I do not really count that as working out, though it is, but just not in my warped psycho mind.

Since being back in the mix, I have taken to not just running, but trying to incorporate other aspects into my regime. I have worked out an hour for the past two out of three days, 35 minutes running, 20 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the rowing machine. I would like to lift some free weights, but as my shoulder is still a bit achy and sore, I do not want to push it and end up with a jacked up shoulder for another week. I like the variety, though of course, I can never truly let go of the 'run". I am now also making myself stretch before and after for at least 5 minutes each. Something I was sorely lacking and of course, led to my breakdown.

On our 4th of July va-ca to Vegas, we swam everyday. This is another thing that I wish to incorporate into my workouts. I love the water! However, I am so not a good swimmer. As D says, my upper body starts out strait, then my lower half slowly slips down lower and lower. I also tend to get panicky in water that is higher than me, but it is something that i can overcome and a nice new challenge, which I love.

On a good note, last year SRPMIC sponsered a young woman from the rez to take part in the Ironman here in Az. It was the first year that they had done so with the help of other sponsers. They paid the entrance fee, supplied the wetsuit, the bike, the bike clothes, the shoes, the supplements, basically everything you need to do the damn thing! Anywho, the husband of the young woman who received the award came to me and asked if I would be interested in being this year's recipient!!! I guess they were give the task of picking a woman from the rez to receive the award and they thought of me!! I was so honored!! However, I had to decline. I know the Ironman is no joke, and in no way shape or form am I even close to being ready to do this humongous thing!! I am in a good place now with balencing my workouts, my family, work and part-time school, and of course my friends, and training for the Ironman would be like having a second job! I told them thank you for even thinking of me and that I was very honored but I would have to decline, but to keep my in mind in two years!!

Its good to feel like the discipline I place in my life with regards to being healthy and in shape is noticed by others. It makes me feel good that other people believe in me enough to know that with something as big as the Ironman, they believe in me that I would finish.

Ironman, you tease!!!

Momma dont' get dressed up for nothing..

So on Friday nite I went out. Yes that once in a million years thing happened..lol. It was my girl's bday so we had a night of debachery and red bulls.

It was so weird in a good way to be out on Mill again. It brought me back to my ASU days of undergrad legend status..lol. The night was cool and the sidewalks were full. I was with my girls with no curfew and a night of much needed letting of the hair down.

Hit up Fat Tuesdays as Mill Cue Club was full, and claimed the barstools as our's as we put in our drink orders. Red Bull for me thank you. I sat down and got my eyes full of the night life that I had been missing. I was in such the right mood to go out, I was looking forward to hanging with the ladee'z, I was rested, and I felt like I was 1o years younger..heh.

I don't know if it's just me, but I felt the dagger eyes as soon as sat down. Maybe it's me, but I always seem to get the looks from the ladee'z that maybe I had wronged in the past?,or they think I am somebody else they have static with, or not liking me for whatever reason even though I have no idea who the hellz you are. Whatever yo, I was there to chill and have no drama.

Upon sitting a couple of males made their prescense known, and for me, it made me feel like I stil had it. Whatever "it" is..heh. It's just good to know that you are totally not full blown screaming "I AM MOMMA" anymore and that you can be recognized as an "attractive" heh, woman.

Its just at times, I feel like I've lost the hotness. heh. I guess I understand that I am still considered somewhat "attractive", but its just good to know that not just you or your love recongizes that fact.. Then again, nothing beats your Son saying," Mommas beautiful". aww..

Anywho, I had a blast. Got my eyes full, had 5 freaking redbulls. It was funny cause I was double-fisting it with RedBull..lol.

Its good to go out every once in a while, it reminds you of what you have and to appreciate it. I loved coming home to my Men and kissing the older one awake while you talk till 4 am..cause you missed each other. heh.

Its good to see what I gave up to be blessed with what I have now.

party girl grows up

I was on myspace, being a stalker and shifting through profiles (come on, you know you do it too..heh).

It made me look back on my life, the life I had before I am where I am today. I read some of the things written for the world to see regarding a young woman's strut out into the world. I remember how it felt to be so young and so free and idealistic. How it felt to have this blank sheet of paper upon which I could write out my life.

Don't get me wrong, I know that i am not an old maid at 31, but man when they say there's world of difference between your 20's and 30's they ain't kidding. Back then, the world was this great open playground where I could do anything I wanted to do. I was young, single and free.

I can look back now on me then, and I can truly say that I lived the hell out of my 20's. I traveled from here to there, I loved and lost, I made radical discoveries about who I am and who I wanted to be, I changed I don't know how many jobs and tasted almost every adventure presented to me. Of course, I made my share of mistakes, but even those, the ones that left me lying on the floor, I learned from and I endured. Through it all, I never hesitated from an adventure, even if I wasn't all too sure I should take it, I just wanted the experience of life.

I've learned that karma is a mofo, and it is true what they say, you reap what you sow. Because of this, I feel that I have come out of all the turmoil and drama a better person. I took what life through at me and made it all a part of who I am today.

I'm glad that my life didn't just exist within the border of my rez or even my state. My crazy life has taken me to live in the coldness of Ontario for a month, the blandness of Kansas, the beauty of Oregon, and the spirtuality of the Badlands. I have seen so many things that I take out like a file in my memory to look at and laugh. I have touched places that many people will probably never see, and most importantly, I have done this all with and through love. The love of friends, the love of things not meant to be, the love of my family, and of course the love of the path of my life that has taken me to this very point where I type from today.

Point is, it is true I envy those young woman the excitement of life yet to come, adventures to relish, and those first kisses that can never be duplicated. But yet, I am thankful that I am where I am today. Settled with my Son and love, happiest in my pj's and drinking a diet coke while eating a meal that I prepared with 2 men. Maybe envy is the wrong word, could it be, I miss at times the freedom to do whatever wherever. Instead of buying clothes to go out to the club in , I buy new gear for my 3 year old son and a practical workshirt for me with some groceries for the meal I will cook tomorrow.

The young me can't believe that this 31 year old me rarely goes out and when she does, can't wait to get home. heh. I used to believe that the weekend began on a wednesday night, the party wasn't over till the sun came up, and never knew the price of a beer.hehe. Man, have i changed since then.

Its amazing that that was my happiness, when now, my happiness comes from being close to my family, doing mundane things like eating together and playing outside with my hair in a raggy bun.

I guess even the party girl had to grow up..

But I still make 31 look good dammit..

ha.

cup runneth over..

I feel that im in whirlwind.

I go from here to there and back again. I have been away from home for three straight weekends with no rest inbetween.

I love movement and I love to travel. I love the feeling of being busy and doing things that are constructive for my life.

But sometimes, man I just want to lay like a slug and watch some Judge Judy. I want to make playlist after funky playlist for my ipod, I want to see a movie by myself and eat nachos and drink a huge diet coke. I want to talk a walk by the canal and not bring my garmin. I want to go window shopping in Chandler and come out with my hands full of bags and no stroller. I want to watch all the seasons from Sex in the City wearing my glasses and a funky bun. I want to take a bubble bath with a Star magazine and stay until my toes are all pruny. "SIGH"

Being a mama and being me is damn hard. Reality check: I am a momma and myself..lol.

Its hard to balence my time with everything goin on in my life. If I do to much of one thing, I feel guilty for neglecting something else. I feel guilty at times when I run for more than an hour because it takes time from my family. Its so hard to find balence. Cause man, there are times when I need time just for myself without the constant motion. I need time with my Ladeez who remind me that I wasn't and am not always Mama..heh. I need time with my love to make us remember we aint just Mama and Dadddy too... I need time for my parents because I love them and want to spend as much time as possible with them for as long as I can. I need time for my competitive ass to get in the game. I need time time time time...

I really can't complain though, my life is so full right now, its overflowing.

In retrospect, I love love love love my life right now. I am full with friends, family, love, and happiness.

My cup runneth over, and I love it. I just have to slap myself sometimes to be thankful for this RED life..heh