Hoo'ooo

ga’ gaaa...

Sometimes it hits me, hard.

Like this afternoon, random I felt it punch my gut. Out of nowhere, or maybe all it took was a gaze at my Son sleeping beside me, the tears broke through and made me gasp at how hard it came.

I am tired this night, I had a long day yesterday, work, Son, speeding to Tucson to catch words with good friends and good vibes, maybe that was what made me release what was I kept squashed down between my heart and my head.

it came and shook me with sobs that I didn't know were still there. I ached for her, for what she meant to me, for what I felt I could of been more of.
She is a woman who I aspire to be like, but know that I fall short of.

Words seem to fail me now, the don't seem to capture what she was/is.

Even now, I can't differentiate between was and is. I dream of her at night. I think she's letting me know she's happy in the sky.

I know I really shoudn't be writing this, but this what needs to be said about her and what she meant in my life. She's so much more than these typed words on a stupid myspace blog, but it's all I can do for now, and in a way, doesn't that count for something.

At my worst last week, when I was battling the heat, exhaustion and hunger on that concrete path, she flew butterflies in my face and I managed to go on when I was doubting the sanity of it all, Really, what did it matter at that point in the scheme of my world?

She showed me golden wings and gave me a mental nudge to do what I know I could, what she wanted me to.

I hate choking on my tears, so tonite, I released some of them, even now, in this stream of conciousness, I know she will always be there, to show me golden wings.

I miss her.