Momma dont' get dressed up for nothing..

So on Friday nite I went out. Yes that once in a million years thing happened..lol. It was my girl's bday so we had a night of debachery and red bulls.

It was so weird in a good way to be out on Mill again. It brought me back to my ASU days of undergrad legend status..lol. The night was cool and the sidewalks were full. I was with my girls with no curfew and a night of much needed letting of the hair down.

Hit up Fat Tuesdays as Mill Cue Club was full, and claimed the barstools as our's as we put in our drink orders. Red Bull for me thank you. I sat down and got my eyes full of the night life that I had been missing. I was in such the right mood to go out, I was looking forward to hanging with the ladee'z, I was rested, and I felt like I was 1o years younger..heh.

I don't know if it's just me, but I felt the dagger eyes as soon as sat down. Maybe it's me, but I always seem to get the looks from the ladee'z that maybe I had wronged in the past?,or they think I am somebody else they have static with, or not liking me for whatever reason even though I have no idea who the hellz you are. Whatever yo, I was there to chill and have no drama.

Upon sitting a couple of males made their prescense known, and for me, it made me feel like I stil had it. Whatever "it" is..heh. It's just good to know that you are totally not full blown screaming "I AM MOMMA" anymore and that you can be recognized as an "attractive" heh, woman.

Its just at times, I feel like I've lost the hotness. heh. I guess I understand that I am still considered somewhat "attractive", but its just good to know that not just you or your love recongizes that fact.. Then again, nothing beats your Son saying," Mommas beautiful". aww..

Anywho, I had a blast. Got my eyes full, had 5 freaking redbulls. It was funny cause I was double-fisting it with RedBull..lol.

Its good to go out every once in a while, it reminds you of what you have and to appreciate it. I loved coming home to my Men and kissing the older one awake while you talk till 4 am..cause you missed each other. heh.

Its good to see what I gave up to be blessed with what I have now.

party girl grows up

I was on myspace, being a stalker and shifting through profiles (come on, you know you do it too..heh).

It made me look back on my life, the life I had before I am where I am today. I read some of the things written for the world to see regarding a young woman's strut out into the world. I remember how it felt to be so young and so free and idealistic. How it felt to have this blank sheet of paper upon which I could write out my life.

Don't get me wrong, I know that i am not an old maid at 31, but man when they say there's world of difference between your 20's and 30's they ain't kidding. Back then, the world was this great open playground where I could do anything I wanted to do. I was young, single and free.

I can look back now on me then, and I can truly say that I lived the hell out of my 20's. I traveled from here to there, I loved and lost, I made radical discoveries about who I am and who I wanted to be, I changed I don't know how many jobs and tasted almost every adventure presented to me. Of course, I made my share of mistakes, but even those, the ones that left me lying on the floor, I learned from and I endured. Through it all, I never hesitated from an adventure, even if I wasn't all too sure I should take it, I just wanted the experience of life.

I've learned that karma is a mofo, and it is true what they say, you reap what you sow. Because of this, I feel that I have come out of all the turmoil and drama a better person. I took what life through at me and made it all a part of who I am today.

I'm glad that my life didn't just exist within the border of my rez or even my state. My crazy life has taken me to live in the coldness of Ontario for a month, the blandness of Kansas, the beauty of Oregon, and the spirtuality of the Badlands. I have seen so many things that I take out like a file in my memory to look at and laugh. I have touched places that many people will probably never see, and most importantly, I have done this all with and through love. The love of friends, the love of things not meant to be, the love of my family, and of course the love of the path of my life that has taken me to this very point where I type from today.

Point is, it is true I envy those young woman the excitement of life yet to come, adventures to relish, and those first kisses that can never be duplicated. But yet, I am thankful that I am where I am today. Settled with my Son and love, happiest in my pj's and drinking a diet coke while eating a meal that I prepared with 2 men. Maybe envy is the wrong word, could it be, I miss at times the freedom to do whatever wherever. Instead of buying clothes to go out to the club in , I buy new gear for my 3 year old son and a practical workshirt for me with some groceries for the meal I will cook tomorrow.

The young me can't believe that this 31 year old me rarely goes out and when she does, can't wait to get home. heh. I used to believe that the weekend began on a wednesday night, the party wasn't over till the sun came up, and never knew the price of a beer.hehe. Man, have i changed since then.

Its amazing that that was my happiness, when now, my happiness comes from being close to my family, doing mundane things like eating together and playing outside with my hair in a raggy bun.

I guess even the party girl had to grow up..

But I still make 31 look good dammit..

ha.

cup runneth over..

I feel that im in whirlwind.

I go from here to there and back again. I have been away from home for three straight weekends with no rest inbetween.

I love movement and I love to travel. I love the feeling of being busy and doing things that are constructive for my life.

But sometimes, man I just want to lay like a slug and watch some Judge Judy. I want to make playlist after funky playlist for my ipod, I want to see a movie by myself and eat nachos and drink a huge diet coke. I want to talk a walk by the canal and not bring my garmin. I want to go window shopping in Chandler and come out with my hands full of bags and no stroller. I want to watch all the seasons from Sex in the City wearing my glasses and a funky bun. I want to take a bubble bath with a Star magazine and stay until my toes are all pruny. "SIGH"

Being a mama and being me is damn hard. Reality check: I am a momma and myself..lol.

Its hard to balence my time with everything goin on in my life. If I do to much of one thing, I feel guilty for neglecting something else. I feel guilty at times when I run for more than an hour because it takes time from my family. Its so hard to find balence. Cause man, there are times when I need time just for myself without the constant motion. I need time with my Ladeez who remind me that I wasn't and am not always Mama..heh. I need time with my love to make us remember we aint just Mama and Dadddy too... I need time for my parents because I love them and want to spend as much time as possible with them for as long as I can. I need time for my competitive ass to get in the game. I need time time time time...

I really can't complain though, my life is so full right now, its overflowing.

In retrospect, I love love love love my life right now. I am full with friends, family, love, and happiness.

My cup runneth over, and I love it. I just have to slap myself sometimes to be thankful for this RED life..heh

Nite' before the Nite" before...

I just finished making my "San Diego - remix" playlist, packed up my gear, and now drinking a water.

Its the night before the night before, and I am strangely calm. Not to say that i'm not shitting bricks, but that I am almost unaware that I am running some big miles in one day and one night. I feel detached from the whole thing, not scared necessarily, but maybe the word is, secure?

Maybe I have reached a point in my running that makes me feel as if I am able to do anything if I put my mind right. I have faith in my legs, the golden goddesses of steel that they are. I push aside the oddly shaped ball on my right foot, the strange stiffness in my left knee, and the much hated 5 lbs. I have put on (and no I do not think that's it muscle, darn.) I will not use these as excuses to do what I know I can do.

As stated before, I understand that pain is a necessary evil to this challenge. I know, I've been there. I put my mind to it and accept it. Mile 19 I will win.

Truth is, I feel excited to do this route which is brand new to me.

Truth is, I am scared that the hills will totally kick my no running hills ass.

Truth is, I put my faith in the "Man Upstairs" that he will help me get through this, and in the prayers that will be upon my shoulders to help me fly.

Truth is, no matter what, even if I have to crawl past that finish line in 7:30, I will finish.

Think of me on Sunday, .....Ill close my eyes and send you thanks.

Peace and BLessings..

dre