Stronger than we think..

I don't often dwell on things that make me look inside.

Tonite was a nite of reflection.

Luxeriating in an episode of "Fight Girls" while my two men slept soundly, I fell into how we as women, hold so much in. On the show, the women fought like tigers, physically. Mentally and emotionally spent after the fight was over, they almost always cried. I felt myself blink back, again and again as I lost myself in thier stories of strength, both physically and emtionally. We as women carry so much.

We as women, forget how strong we really are.

We carry the burdens of our pasts, as well as the burden of our futures on our backs. We are the ones called upon to be strong for our families, the foundation to the chaos that continually threatens to break us down. We shoulder so much, sometimes we forget that we are still who we were at 18, young and full of dreams.

I still get startled at times when young men call me "ma'am." lol. It startles me and I think," When in the hell did I become a Ma'am?" Even though I am 30, I still feel like I am 20, unsure of what the future holds, aware of how much of the world is out there calling me to live, still feeling the quake in my step at the thought of real responsibility. Then, reality check, I am a mother now. I have bills to pay. I no longer have the freedom to just go out and do as I please. I have the beginnings of wrinkles in the corners of my beautiful brown eyes. Rap music is beginning to irritate me. heh. I think of buying a new washer & dryer instead of a new outfit. But at the same time, I embrace the thought of being looked at as a WOMAN. Not a young woman, or a yound ladee, but a full out and out WOMAN. My vibe now screams out, " I HAVE LIVED DAMMIT! and I AM STILL MUTHA FU****G HERE!""

I have gone through both fantastic belly laughs, and bone-crushing pain. Looking back, there may be a few tweaks that I might push in, but I would never have changed anything to get to this point in my life, here with my Son and my Family I now have. We all live through pain, just like we all have lived through kool-aid smile inducing happiness, the point I believe is getting the opportunity to LIVE through it all.

I have always been one to say "F it, lets go." If there was something that I wanted to try or do. 9 times out of 10 I have. I have always tried to follow my heart, even if it meant mine was breaking. I have never wanted to look at myself and been ashamed of who I am, as I have in the past. I have made so many choices in this life for selfish reasons, but now all my choices are dictated by the love I have for my Son and the life that I wish to give him.

Now, as my Mother before me, I live my life for my child.

There were choices placed before me with the miracle of my Son's announcement to this world, choices that I had to make that were going to change the rest of my life. In my mind there was no question, I chose my Son.

I knew He was a miracle give to me by God. He is the best and hardest thing I have and will ever have done. Everyday, I struggle with this life give to me, I struggle with patience, with uncertainty, with worry, with my love for this joy named Victorio. I have discovered strength that I never knew I had. Everyday is a new discovery as I see the world through his lovely black eyes. He is the keeper of my heart, the missing piece that I never knew I could never live without, he is my life.

As Women, we constantly are faced with obstacles and pitfalls that are thrown in our paths, but we as women should know, God never gives us more than we can handle.

That we are strong, stronger than we think.