social skillz

This past weekend I checked a show called "The Secret Lives of 12-year olds".

I was just flippin around, trying to put my Son down for his nap when I hit it. It centered around this group of 12 year olds living in Pennsylvania..where Penn state is located. The narrator was this horny 12 year old. For realz, she was horny. I know thats kinda gross to say and even worse to type..but seriously folks, puberty hit her hard that week or something.

Anywho..MAN did it bring back memories.

Watching these kids..its funny how you think of how you would of viewed yourself at 12. At school, there openly divided themselves into social groups, the Populars, the Normals, the Jocks, the Nobodies..and the slightly more Normals which were slighty popular and slightly Normal. The Popular girls were all into nails, fashion, gossip..typical teenage girl tangents in Pennsylvania I assume. It was so hard for me to watch the narrator, a African-American girl, talk and flounce about with these 5 inche fake blue nails. I just wanted to rip them off. Seriously.

The Normals were typical, average?, girls who were not as popular as the normals and thus not considered popular and could not hang out with the Populars, but who were just happy to be 12. Ya know?

The Jocks were all boys who played sports well (duh.) Thus considered popular, hot (these are not my words btw), and worthy enough to go out with.

The Nobodies hung out by themselves..nobody liked them. They were made fun of. This one little boy they profield openly cried when talking about his life. Stab me in the heart yo.

It got me thinking..how would I have viewed myself at 12?

At 12, I was a chubby lil skin chick rocking long hair and glasses. Typical Rez look ya know? I was all about my books and sleeping. I had just made the transition to Public school from St. Charles ( a Catholic Elementary School). I was still akward and kinda shy. If viewing myself..I was probably considered a Nobody.

Its strange though..cause I don't really remember being unhappy. I was cool with my books and pushing my hair over my face to hide myself. I was and still am, a loner at heart.

I know some peeps find it hard that know me, that I consider myself one. But I generally like to be alone most of the time. I am a social person in the right context..but at times I long to just be home with a good book, diet coke, and my lil Family snugly beside me.

Anywayz..Its funny. Like one year later..in 7th grade. I became a "mean girl"..like in that movie? I was. Me and my BF Angela were the mean girls of Rice Jr. High. lol. SHe had moved to S.C. from Globe and her & I had clicked like noone's biz. We were connected at the hip and spent almost every weekend at one another's house. Looking back now, I realize that she was a much needed blur of wildness and an outlet for my suppressed extrovertedness. We had some craze times..even at 14. Oh, the stories I could tell you..heh.

It seemed overnite I shed the babyfat, ditched the glasses, and learned the importance of Guess? jeans..lol.

Even then, I longed at times to bury myself in my books and push back the lenses on my nose.

High School saw me running, literally and figuratively. I was slammed into a school where I was now one of the few Red faces, of course, choosing to attend school at GHS was my choice. I could've attended the brand spanking new portables that made up the illustrious S.C. High School, but I wanted a better education in order to succeed ultimately in college, so I told myself.

Really, I wanted to experience a taste of life outside the rez, in a day to day environment and see how I stacked up against the majority of the world outside the borders of the rez. GHS was made up of mostly Anglos and Mexicans..Natives made up about 12% of the total population there.

My bro, Eagle, had made his way up the social ladder there, and I had some big shoes to fill. Although, looking back, I wasn't as out there as my bro man, I made my own name. I had a blast in High School. I had the total experience..academically, socially, but at times, I still felt as if I didnt fit in. It was like you either hang with us, or you think your better than us if you don't, according to the Native rules of the social echelon. I see-sawed between both groups. I had my Native bros who I could hang with and who got me on a level that didnt need to be explained, we could go to the party spots on the rez and kik back knowing we were cool to slam some back under the stars and ride home in the tailgate. I had my non-Native bros who I could spend the nite on teh weekends and hit the one movie theatre and cruise Jack in the Box to see who was out and where the keg was. I had my share of Native girlz who wanted to kick my ass, but living on the rez, who doesnt? I believe that these chicks were jealous of my ability to vacilitate between the two groups ..and do so with relative ease.

I guess in a sense, I've always lived two ways..I've always been kinda split as to who I really was and am.

I embrace having the ability to breeze and flow with anyone and everyone. I can make an impression on you by not saying a word. I stand out in a way that I have never really been able to understand or see..

Im not trying to brag here, really.

But I've always had people come up to me and remember me from "somewhere". I am so bad with names, and I have met so many people in the past years it's hard to keep up with the backlog of names and faces in my mind. But 9 times out of 10..people remember who I am.

I guess what I am saying is that I am a person who is able to break into a conversation and sit there quietly, making an impression and gathering my words to strike a stake in your memory. I am a woman who is able to shift into situations and convo'z quietly or loudly...and shape myself around the picture.

what can I say?

Looking back at the young girl at 12..I envy her her innocence, her trust that her parents were superhumans with the answers to everything, her blind love of words, her inability to see how beautiful she is. I remember not really knowing who I was at that point, where did I fit in? Even to this day..I don't really fit anywhere..but I fit everywhere. I look at this past 12 year old girl and I long to protect here and let her know..not belonging is sometimes the best thing, then you can fit anywhere..

really.