think ..

off the bat..

I love who I am.

really.

I am proud that I was able to have a Son who is beautifully healthy in every sense of the word.

I am proud to be 1/2 Akimel O'Odham and 1/2 Indeh (San Carlos Apache).

I am proud that my Son has the blood of 5 tribes running through his veins.

I have never, and will never apologize for who and what I am. Though I may never be able to look at myself and really see all the negatives and positives that make me, ME. I know enough about myself to know that I am unique and beautiful. I am unique in that no one will ever be able to live their life the way I have, to experience the good and bad that I have, and make the choices I have to be where I am today. I have had my share of heartbreak, betrayal, sadness, anger, resentment, envy, but I have also had my share of happiness, success, love, laughter,joy, excitement and happy tears. I try to not be as judgemental as I used to be in my younger days, not to say that I am not judgemental now, but that I can see it and am actively working at not seeing the world in only black and white, and thus, in DRE's eyes of what should and what shouldn't be.

I am beautiful because "THE MAN UPSTAIRS" made me so. I am beautiful because I am a mother, a sister, a lover, a friend, a woman, a daughter, a neice, an auntie, a woman who knows herself enough to know that the world does not always fit into little boxes, no matter how much we want it to. I am beautiful because I am here, despite and because of everything that has made me who I am today..a 30 year old mother who loves with her whole heart, who cries at the thought of someone in pain, who runs to unleash the anger, who does not know the meaning of the word can't, who looks for happiness. If I do not think myself beautiful who will?

It is true what they say, the older you get, the more you see when you were younger, you thought you knew it all, but really, you didn't know shit.

Maybe there are a few 20 year olds who have their shit together, but its taken me till my late 20's to know how much I dont know..a kick in the head if you will. I've had many..please believe..lol.

I know Im kinda rambling..but I guess what I am trying to say is that it is a lot easier to judge one's life, viewpoints, & opinions based on assumptions or half-truths. I know that I will never really know what I would do, or would've done in any given situation unless I've actually gone through it. Just like I can't say that I understand what you 're going through unless I've actually gone through it.

It's a lot easier for anyone to punch out words and dictate the way life should be...but it's usually the one's who haven't really lived LIFE that are dumb enough to actually act like they know how one is supposed to live.

Who are any of us to say how one is supposed to live unless it's referring to ourselves? In saying this, I am excluding children, teenagers, of course. I am referring to us who are "supposedly" adults.

I know I have my own prejudices, inadequacies, downfalls, failures, and shortcomings..but the thing is, I find blame in myself for them. No one made me smoke a cigarette, no one made me take that first drink, no one made me kick and break my toe..I did it all to myself. The mainstream of society didn't make me do these things..I had issues within myself that called out for these things, and I fell for it. I hate, I mean HATE, when people blame others for things that we choose ourselves. I believe, and maybe this is me being MY WAY but whatever, that we all know inside when we do wrong, when we are wrong, when we make the wrong choices..I know I do. But it's up to us to choose ...we make our own choices in everything we do.

I choose my love, just like he choose me. Together, we choose to give life to our Son. I choose to have the light of my world, despite and because of the fact that he is of 5 Strong Tribes. He is not less of anything because he is not 4/4 of any of his tribes, nor because he has Irish blood. He is beauty personified..

I knew and know, that my children will never be "full" (in the governments eyes) of anything of any tribe or race of people. Just like I myself am not considered "full" of either of my tribes. I know who I am, I know my clans, I know my relatives, I try to learn as much as I can of my way in this life. I know that there is much that I don't know of both my people, but I also know that there is so much that I do. It doesn't need to be said..because if you are secure in yourself and the ways of your people, you know enough to know you don't need to say anything.

I am beautiful...and maybe that is all you need to know.

heh.